If I could answer “what breaks a relationship” simply, I would say it comes down to three simple things. Because, honestly, the list could go on and on.

1. The individual health of each person (mentally, emotionally, spiritually).
2. The willingness of both people to make it work.
3. Love.

I have a very high standard of what love is. So to get more information on the kind of love to look for, check out this post: How do I know I’m in love?

Before I get into this topic, I want to clarify that this information is geared toward couples who are legally single and in a dating relationship. Although, it could be argued that the outcomes are the same.

Casually dating is where you get to know someone for who they are without expectations of any exclusive commitment.

A “dating relationship” is when both individuals come together as a couple (boyfriend/girlfriend). A dating relationship would imply a decision (an understanding that each person in the relationship is serious about the other) and it would also imply a measure of intention for marriage.

Dating relationships are tricky. You can be in a dating relationship and still be getting to know someone without a commitment. But there is also a kind-of purpose in dating that can lead to a little bit more heartbreak since both people are so much more invested.

When you’re dating, I think you should always be thinking about whether or not the other person is a good partner for you, a good match. Be objective: is this really someone you can see yourself moving forward with?

People assume that in order to be intentional you have to be committed. That is not true when you’re dating. Being intentional means knowing what you want, knowing what you don’t want, knowing what you will settle for, and knowing what is a deal-breaker. It also means following through with what you know in your heart is best for you.

So, going back to those three things that make or break a relationship…

I wanted to get to the root of stuff you’re going to read down below.

Every look-for will boil down to whether or not each person in the relationship is a healthy version of themselves. Bringing unresolved trauma into a relationship can lead to toxic behaviors. Every look-for will also be dependent on each person’s willingness to actually BE in the relationship. And, finally, every look-for will come down to whether or not there is really love there.

(Again, please don’t take the word lightly. Know what love really looks like by clicking this link).

Okay, without further ado…

Here’s What Breaks A Relationship:

1) Ignoring your own needs.

There are so many dynamics just for this one point. In a relationship, there is a responsibility to yourself to meet your own needs and an obligation to the other person to care for theirs. Those needs are for 1) love and belonging and 2) esteem. Each person is worthy of having meaningful connections and respect.

In the honeymoon phases of dating, it’s especially important to maintain your other relationships with friends and family. There should be a healthy balance that works for you and works for your dynamic as a couple.

Don’t neglect your own needs by getting lost in prioritizing the other person’s.

2) Communication gaps.

A large part of the way people communicate is determined by how they think, how they feel, how they see the world, and how they want to be seen. The process of communication can be simplified as a cycle with three steps: 1) sending a message, 2) receiving a message, and 3) interpreting a message.

Communication gaps are TOTALLY normal! They are to be expected. Those gaps can be shortened by having things in common. They can be shortened by getting to know a person more and more over time. And they can be shortened by asking questions.

There are so many inside and outside influences that can cause a communication gap to widen: differences in values, differences of opinion, underlying motives or emotions, frequency of arguments, or stress or frustration from any other area of life.

Since communication gaps or normal, the only time communication gaps can cause damage to a relationship is when either person is no longer willing to take the time to understand the other.

3) Insecurity.

Physical and emotional safety or security in a relationship is essential. It is necessary. Each person should be considered valuable and irreplaceable to the other.

However, if an individual in a relationship has some kind of broken history, trauma, or low self-esteem this can cause an unrealistic, self-sabotaging kind of insecurity that could break the relationship if left unaddressed or unhealed. It can also be something that is developed within the relationship if something happens that breaks that person’s trust. Even if it is not the root of the issue and it is just a consequence of something else, it can kill the relationship if that trust is not repaired. That can take time and a certain amount of grace and understanding.

It could look as simple as anxiety during arguments as the other person is eager to find a solution. It can lead to conversations that reveal the person has a strong fear of being abandoned. It can look like someone being a “helicopter” over the other. It can look like jealousy. All these tiny (but frequent) behaviors of insecurity can break the relationship over time.

4) Emotional triggers.

An emotional trigger is when something happens that causes someone to emotionally react. Maybe someone starts unexplainably laughing or crying. Maybe someone suddenly gets angry or shuts down. Maybe someone suddenly gets a feeling of panic or restlessness.

When something significant to that person causes them to be triggered, those emotions are almost like a blindfold. It could be something that was said or the way it was said. It could be something that reminded them of previous trauma. It’s even possible that they can be triggered as a result of a current positive experience.

I think sometimes emotional triggers can be good.

I remember toward the end of my 20th birthday I was showered by so much love from key people in my life. I remember opening one of my gifts in the car near a beachy area. It was just a watch. Nothing outwardly flashy or meaningful about it. But all of a sudden, I started balling my eyes out with my sister staring at me like I was a crazy person. She was sitting in the passenger seat and… I was… sobbing (like ugly boo-hoo crying).

The person who gave me the gift had said good-bye before but was staring at me outside the window like “what the heck is going on?” 😅 I remember my sister seeing that person’s face and verbally saying “I don’t know.” And then turning to me and asking “why are you crying?”

I responded through my broken, cramped up, high-pitched voice, “I don’t knooow.”

There had been so much discord before. There had been so much animosity between my loved ones and on this particular day they had set it aside, and I had been able to receive love from all of them, all at once. I hadn’t realized how much the disharmony had affected me.

I think emotional triggers have the potential to be very cathartic healing experiences.

In not-so-severe cases, emotions resulting from being “triggered” will result in brief, infrequent emotions that can be coped with, managed, or talked through. It’s best if the other person is able to be understanding.

However, if the triggers cause emotions that are the opposite, if they are long-lasting or frequent occurrences, or if those emotions spark up reactions against the other person, those kinds of emotional outbursts can break relationships if the person experiencing them is not able to get them under control and/or if it’s interfering with the overall tone of the relationship.

5) Lack of self-awareness.

Self-awareness plays a huge role in our day-to-day. It’s an objective knowledge of our own character, personality, thoughts, feelings, motives, and desires.

In the beginning stages of a relationship, a lack of self-awareness can result in a lack of intentionality. A lack of self-awareness can show up in a lot of different ways.

Signs of a lack of self-awareness can include:

• inability to notice and express how one truly feels
• inability to notice and express what one truly thinks
• inability to determine long-term intention
• impulsive commitment based on romantic ideals
• quickly dismissing things about the relationship that are worth thinking about
• lack of emotional intelligence
• immature behaviors
• burnout

Ultimately, it can result in actions that appear to make a person look naive. If someone in the relationship lacks self-awareness, the chances of burnout are more likely for that person. If this becomes a frequent problem, it will come to a close without either person seeing it coming.

6) Unhealed trauma.

If one or both partners in the relationship has experienced trauma and they are unaware of its influence, its effects, or if they don’t know how to cope in healthy ways, it can create a toxic climate. The intensity of this problem can vary on a case-by-case basis.

Trauma can sometimes cause triggers that result in very strong expressions of anger, withdrawal, or anxiety. In severe cases, there may even be physical symptoms that come about. Regardless of how much you may want to make things work, the relationship cannot be healthy if you are not healthy. Healthy relationships require healthy people.

7) Lack of integrity.

People change, grow, and develop over time. Some people use that knowledge as an excuse to bow out. I personally believe change is the only thing that truly allows a relationship to thrive.

What breaks a relationship is a lack of integrity. This is when a person has compromised or abandoned their morals or values. At the start of a relationship, each person’s principles should be aligned concerning subjects like family, religion, marriage, lifestyle, finances, etc.

It is possible that someone in the relationship could say something one day about an important value and then change their mind about it years later. That would be considered a lack of integrity.

It’s possible that someone could have an important value, maintain their position on that value over time, but then do something to betray that value with their behavior.

Everybody should have certain core beliefs that define who they are and how they live their lives. Those core beliefs will always have opportunities to be challenged in life. Integrity is when those principles remain constant.

8) Unhealthy coping strategies.

Coping strategies involve how we think and behave under pressure. It’s how we act and react when faced with stressful or uncomfortable situations.

It doesn’t only surface when there are problems in the relationship. It can also come about from being under pressure at work or school. It can come about facing financial issues or family issues.

Unhealthy coping strategies may look like:

• avoiding the issues (repressing or denying)
• depressive behaviors like sleeping or eating too much
• drug abuse or excessive alcohol use
• making assumptions or jumping to conclusions
• impulsive decision-making
• isolating
• compartmentalizing
• removing emotional responses
• overthinking
• overreacting
• displacing anger

These kinds of coping strategies and defense mechanisms can do a lot of damage when they start leaking into a relationship. It’s important to know though, that coping strategies are not intrinsically bad. They can help people make it through tough times.

Here are some examples of healthy coping strategies:

• taking care of your mind and body
• having healthy boundaries
• knowing when
• having healthy hobbies you enjoy
• exercising
• praying
• relaxing
• asking for help, advice, or support
• creating lists
• problem-solving or asking someone to help “problem solve”

9) Expectations the other person could/should change.

If expectations are made known and communicated between both people in the relationship, this may not be a problem. Healthy and appropriate expectations are good in a dating relationship.

However, sometimes in relationships people “settle” on significant issues that really should be addressed. Here are some examples where this might be happening:

1. You begin dating or continue a relationship where different values on marriage, family, or religion are present with the hidden (or obvious) expectation that the other person will change their mind.
2. Sometime in the middle of a relationship, you start realizing all the things you don’t actually like about the other person, and instead of thinking about what you can or are willing to change about yourself, you spend time thinking about all the things the other person should be doing differently.

This problem is made even worse if the expectations for the other person are unrealistic.

10) Lack of trust.

Trust tends to be hard-earned and easily lost.

A lack of trust can be justified or unjustified in a relationship. One person may have betrayed the trust of another. Or, on the other hand, one person may just be paranoid or extremely jealous person. There may even be a situation where both of those apply:

where because one person broke the other person’s trust,

the other has become paranoid or anxious or jealous.

It can be as simple and as common as a broken promise or a lack of follow-through. Regardless, a relationship cannot be successful without trust.

11) Taking each other for granted.

Each person involved in the relationship should feel a certain amount of safety or security. This is necessary in order for the relationship to be healthy. Physical safety should go without question! But this includes emotional safety as well.

Each person should be able to trust that the other truly values them. Each person should be able to trust that they are not considered easily expendable or replaceable. If there is any fear, apprehension, or lack of confidence in this area then something, somewhere, is wrong. This need to belong and be valued is a solid foundation for every couple.

However, at any point in the relationship, it’s possible for anyone involved to get too comfortable. This kind of attitude can be expressed aggressively or passively.

Aggressive would mean the person makes it incredibly obvious that they take you for granted. They assume you will always be there. They assume you will always apologize. They disrespect you regularly. Another way this attitude could be expressed aggressively is when one person in the relationship does absolutely nothing to change this behavior that sabotages those feelings of safety and security… until the last minute. They wait until the very end of your rope to be romantic, express love, apologize or make necessary changes.

A passive way of taking someone for granted looks less obvious, usually happens by accident, and does not involve any lack of esteem or respect for the other person. It happens when people get busy with life or get stuck in the ebbs and flows of the way the dynamic usually works. One person tends to initiate, one person tends to communicate, one person tends to serve, plan dates, give surprise gifts, or express love through touch or words of affirmation. Both individuals are aware of this to some extent.

The passive attitude of taking someone for granted becomes a problem when the relationship requires work and either person is consciously or subconsciously unwilling to be more intentional. Maybe connecting with the other person was easy at one point and now it’s not. Maybe each person has gotten busy or has focused on another area of life and quality time is taking a back seat. Maybe someone tends to think they’re always right and the relationship is reaching a point when that individual needs to grow and the other needs to assert themselves. There are tons of possible scenarios.

12) Complacency.

Complacency breaks relationships because it doesn’t care. It is numbingly content or indifferent. If it works, it works. If it doesn’t, it doesn’t.

13) Having something negative to say, often.

If even just one person in the relationship is overly-critical, pessimistic, or full of complaints, it’s going to mess with the climate of the relationship. Being a “Debby Downer” or a glass-half-empty kind of person is going to be mentally and/or emotionally draining to the people who have to hear it all the time.

14) Disrespect.

Having respect for someone means honoring their feelings and needs and understanding that the other person has intrinsic significance and value. In a relationship, this looks like being thoughtful about the other person’s desires, goals, thoughts, behaviors, etc.

Any form of blatant disrespect is unacceptable. Name-calling, lying or gaslighting, swearing during arguments, throwing stuff, demeaning or condescending comments, physical or emotional abuse, flirting with others, etc. That’s a no-go.

But sometimes, disrespect is more common and less obvious than that. This goes for men and women: but women might want to listen up here. If women tend to be driven by love, men tend to be driven by respect. Love and respect are both important.

It’s the sneaky signs of disrespect that do the most damage and break relationships… because they happen over time.

Disrespect looks like:

• a lack of regard for the other person’s freedom, space, choice, privacy
• a lack of regard for the other person’s time
• a lack of regard for another person’s boundaries
• carelessness and indifference, a lack of support or consideration
• a lack of regard for the other person’s safety
• an inability to admit when you’re wrong
• an inability to compromise
• the silent treatment

Sometimes we make mistakes. We show up late. We cancel plans at the last minute. We get distracted. We fail in relationships by not understanding boundaries. Sometimes disrespect is unintentional and/or immature. And, at one point or another, we may disappoint our significant other. What will make a difference is a willingness to do better next time.

Understanding and communicating what is most important to you, can help repair what’s been broken.

15) Misaligned values or lifestyles.

This is probably the most underestimated sign of a broken relationship that can usually be avoided early on.

Direct communication should be THE FIRST THING YOU DO when you start dating someone new. Even before you get to a point where the label of exclusivity comes in. Ask the important questions. Know what matters to you. I’ll be creating a post that shares questions you should ask when you start dating.

But having opposite, or even slightly misaligned, family and religious values, lifestyles, political views, priorities, etc. all have the potential to break a relationship depending on how important those things are to each individual.

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