Marriage… is it everything you’d hoped it’d be? If you’re a newlywed or not, there’s something in here that can help everyone learn to love a little better.
For me, it’s so important to actively reflect on the lessons I’ve learned in my relationship. No one in marriage is exempt from having bumps in the road.
Throughout the first 20 years of my life, I saw my mother go through a divorce 3 times. I saw the effects it had on her. I know the effects it had on her children. And I mean absolutely NO dishonor to her. It’s an honest part of our story and, in the end, I saw the miraculous love of God change all of us.
Marriage – when it is done well – is a beautiful revelation of Jesus’ love for us. And though there are wonderful lessons to learn from doing it right, I can’t deny I’ve learned about as much from seeing marriage done wrong.
I’ve had the opportunity to interact with many new people recently. Women in banks. Women in schools. Women in offices and in homes. Women at work. I can’t even begin to explain the heartache I feel when they share they’re divorced… even in up to 20+ years of marriage.
If you’ve made it here, I want you to know that I truly want your marriage to last. I want your marriage to be a source of blessing for you and your children and your children’s children. It is my most honest prayer, that you would see Heaven in YOUR home.
“For the longest time, I lived with fearful uncertainty of how marriage would turn out for me. And in all that time I would have never imagined I would feel as much peace as I did on my wedding day knowing the Lord was with me. That being said, I want you to know what I’ve learned. Marriage can be hard sometimes. As much as we can say “I will,” “I do,” and “I promise,” I know it’s even more than that. We can’t do all of it on our own. We need Jesus. On our own we fail. It’s Him who calls our hearts to love and, in order to truly love our spouse with all of our heart, we need to go through God.”
Ashley – JAN 2016
If you’re a newlywed, I’m sure you may have heard the first 5 years can be the hardest.
Your experience in a relationship, as newlyweds, and as a married couple is your own. No one else’s reality should affect your outlook on your relationship. Your newlywed experience could be going great.
But I think we can all say our marriages always have room for improvement.
As it turned out for me, being a newlywed was harder than we thought. As much as I would just LOVE to speculate about why that is, I’m going to stick to the point.
So for those of you who are dating with the intention of getting married, engaged, or if you’re just in the same position as me and you are newlyweds as well – maybe this could give you guys a leg up.
These are some of the things I would have done differently knowing everything I know now.
Level 0. Be Intentional
Really look yourself in the mirror. Is your heart healthy?
Let me ask you something:
How often in life do we make a vow before God, state, and loved ones? Marriage isn’t an everyday promise.
Be intentional with your house. Remain willing. Choose to love when you don’t want to.
Honor your word and love well. I promise you, it’s worth it.
1. Plan
Do you have personal goals you want to see through before marriage? Are you done with school? Are you debt-free?
Prioritize the ambitions you’ve been working toward as a single person. In my experience, it’s harder to hold yourself accountable to the same measure when time, money, energy, and responsibilities are being shared.
You’re going to set the standard for your relationship within the first 5 years of marriage. It’s a huge adjustment. Resist the urge to wing it. Planning will reduce a lot of stress and allow you to be flexible in other areas as you work out the kinks of doing life with a whole other person.
My recommendations? Finish school, have jobs lined up, have a place of your own, decide how you guys will budget your time and your money. Obviously, life is life and you can only predict or control so much. But don’t overestimate yourselves or each other.
2. Have a First Fight Box
You guessed it: It’s a box you open after your first fight. Two love letters properly acquainted with a bottle of wine and if you don’t drink, maybe sparkling cider could work?
Hold unto those love letters, old movie tickets, and pictures. Put the wedding video in there.
You’ll know the moment you absolutely need it and it will help to have a routine set in place to bring you guys back together. You might not want to remember you’re love in that moment. So, it’s best to just have it ready. Let it soften your heart toward each other all over again. Then, invite the Holy Spirit to come and do what He does best.
3. Don’t Forget to Have Fun!
Date nights are non-negotiable! Do exciting and invigorating things together! Don’t forget to live. Enjoy life and enjoy each other. Play games! Go out to dinner! Do new things! Go on a weekend get-away!
Go out or stay in. Just don’t get so caught up in the routines that you forget to notice one another.
If you can’t remember the last date you went on, what you or the other person wore, what you ate, what you did… I can help you out. It’s been too long!
Lots of times we only get around to doing the things we have to. Put a date on the calendar and stick with it. Set quality time apart.
4. Talk Meaningfully
Check in on each other. I wouldn’t underestimate how severely stress can mess up a marriage. Financial stress, job stress, whatever it looks like – it’s important to talk about.
Family meetings will help pinpoint the things putting pressure on you and on the relationship. Here are some questions you might want to ask:
- How do you feel about our financial situation?
- How do you feel about your work/life balance?
- What needs are being prioritized that are sacrificing others?
- How are feeling?
- What do you need from me?
Talk openly. Be kind.
Apologize when you’re wrong. Then, choose and express what you will do differently next time.
Be considerate and don’t take the other person’s concerns lightly. Communicate. Come to an agreement. Work together to make the situation better for you both.
Simply, show concern and care for your spouse on a daily basis. Let them know you’re paying attention.
5. Assign Chores
The newer you are to marriage, the more this tip applies to you. Especially since you guys are still adjusting to sharing the same space.
Don’t waste emotional energy getting upset because you assumed the other person would do something. Assign chores between yourselves so nothing goes undone.
Write them down. Talk about it. Which chores do you have a preference for; which don’t you mind doing if you have to; and which ones do you absolutely hate? Maybe one person wants to do everything – maybe you want to alternate. There’s no right or wrong here. It’s just important to agree to get it done.
6. Study Your Partner
It’ll never end. We’re going to be doing this for the rest of our lives.
In order to study your partner, you’ll need to be paying attention. Be observant. Notice the things they like and dislike, the things that are changing, the things that make them feel loved, and valued. Asking them questions is THE BEST way to start.
I’m a personality test junkie so if you’re looking for some help in this area, you and your spouse can check out these resources.
This FREE Personality Test will help you understand yourself and why you do what you do. Have your spouse take it too!
There’s also an Enneagram test that will give you some insight about you and your spouses’ strengths, the things you two struggle with, and how others can get along with you guys best.
7. Out-Love Each Other
Take on the ambition of out-doing the other person when it comes to demonstrating love. It’ll be good for both you and your partner.
It can be so easy to get caught up in what is not being done to serve us. It’s a valid thought sometimes. Your needs and your desires are important but try giving what you want to get what you need.
Give 100% and assume the other person is giving their 100% as well.
“When I change me, I change us.”
Holly Furtick
8. Keep the Heat On
Be consistent with physical affection! Display your desire for the other person. Let it be an expression of your love. If you only hug, kiss, or hold hands when somebody wants some, that could be a red flag. Steady foreplay and an active sex life are healthy and necessary.
9. Learn What Marriage Looks Like Done Right
I’m not an expert and a lot of what I’ve learned so far is from experience. But we should all be learning what marriage looks like when it’s done right. Especially if it’s something we didn’t grow up seeing. If that’s you, I want to encourage you not to get discouraged about that. Every day you surpass your history is an example of how great you’re doing!
Attend marriage conferences, watch videos, read books, take marriage advice from people you trust. It’s a learning experience that will last a lifetime.
10. Know When You Need Professional Help
If you’ve come into the marriage with emotional baggage or addictions, don’t hide that or carry it all on your own. Go see a counselor, a therapist, a doctor, or a pastor. Get the help you need to be healthy and whole.
Also, I would not be doing this topic any justice if I didn’t mention this tip. Pre-marital counseling is great. And if there’s every a point in your marriage when you’re reaching the end of your rope, it’s okay if you need a counselor to help you mediate your relationship issues. Seeing a therapist could even be a good preventative maintenance.
Be able to discern the climate of your marriage.
11. Remember to love yourself too!
It can be very easy to get lost in loving someone else. Remember to love yourself as well and it’ll keep you from burning out. Take time to rest. Take time to do things you love. Enjoy your alone time.
Make sure that your mental, emotional, spiritual, and physical needs are being met. Foundationally, the best way to truly love others is by loving yourself. It ensures that everything you give is coming from a happy and whole place.
Take care of yourself then take care of each other.
12. Encourage Each Others Dreams
Be your spouse’s biggest supporter. Encourage their dreams. Help them make it a reality.
13. Be Smart With Your Money
Dave Ramsey is an excellent resource for learning how to be wise with your finances. You can check out his website HERE! Learn to be wise with your money. Get out of debt and stay out of debt. Set monthly budgets. Invest wisely. Get life insurance. Have your legacy in mind for your children. Don’t use credit cards or spend more than you earn.
Be willing to partner with each other when times get tough. Be willing to walk through that process together.
14. Love In All Five Languages
Here’s a big one! Don’t ever assume that your partner feels loved. People express and receive love through
- Acts of Service
- Words of Affirmation
- Quality Time
- Gifts
- Physical Touch.
This LOVE LANGUAGE QUIZ will help you to recognize all the ways to say “I love you.”
15. Put Each Other First
If (or when) you have kids, put each other first. Take care of the foundation of the home and make sure it’s solid. Ultimately, your love for your children will be demonstrated in your ability to love your spouse well. So much of how they grow into their identity will be based on how they see mom and dad at home.
16. Pursue the Lord Together
Go after God as a family. Read the Bible together. Do morning devotions over coffee. Pray with each other. Pray for each other. Loving God is one of the crucial ways to really love your spouse. Intercede for one another. Fight for one another. Allow each other into the intimacy you have with the Lord.
Trusting God and praying through tough times will make a world of a difference.
BONUS MATERIAL!
- It’s okay to sleep on it. If your marriage is 1) safe, 2) secure, and 3) stable, it’s okay to go to bed angry sometimes. It’s doesn’t always help to force a solution.
- Set valid expectations expectations of each other.
- Limit screen time.
