How To Stop Being Toxic
Hi there! I know sometimes people get weirded out when they realize there’s an actual person on the other end of a blog post.
But here I am! I’ve been there and done that. I have experience being toxic, cutting out toxic behaviors, dealing with toxic people, and doing it all over again.
I’m living proof that progress is possible. You can learn to thrive in your relationships with others!
I have a lot of compassion for people who are toxic. There’s a huge misconception in common culture that toxic people are intrinsically bad, selfish, or narcissistic. Many think that toxic people are incapable of changing or growing. It’s not true.
Growth was possible for me. If you found this blog post, it’s probably because you’ve gotten to a point in your very close relationships where you’ve realized some toxic behaviors that need correction. If you’re wondering how to stop being toxic, you’re in the right place!
I believe toxicity is closely linked to bitterness. Bitterness is what happens sometimes when life has left you angry, broken, or disappointed for an extended period of time (and without resolve). It contributes to feelings of animosity, resentment, and apathy.
Here are some key points everyone needs to know about toxic people.
1) Toxic is just another word for unhealthy.
2) You can have good intentions and still be a toxic person.
3) Toxic tendencies can come from how we were raised.
4) Sometimes toxic behaviors are a natural result of trauma, neglect, or hardship.
5) Two people can be toxic in one relationship at the same time.
6) Toxicity is contagious.
In order for an emotionally healthy person to continue in a relationship with a toxic person, toxicity could just be a matter of self-preservation. It won’t necessarily be overt or hostile behaviors, but it could result in the healthy person becoming abnormally sensitive, anxious, defensive, argumentative, pessimistic, etc.
SIGNS YOU ARE DEALING WITH A TOXIC PERSON:
1) You become very anxious around them.
You may not generally consider yourself an anxious person. However, when you are around them, talk to them, or receive a text from them, you notice that you get worried instantly – even if only for a split second.
2) The tone of the conversation can shift quickly.
You may feel like you are walking on thin ice. An interaction can be going very well but you notice moments in the conversation where you have to quickly recover understanding to keep even small talk from escalating because things can get personal very quickly.
3) You are often misread or misunderstood.
This can be a problem if you are communicating through text messages, over the phone, or in person. They “take things the wrong way” and it ruins a moment.
You may notice that the other person misreads your messages or your words and responds with aggression when you had no mal-intent. It could be a moment in a conversation where they respond badly to a joke or get defensive when there was no need to.
4) Your feelings are not considered.
When there is a conflict or a disagreement, your feelings are of little consequence. The other person might communicate harshly or argumentatively without understanding, empathy, or compassion towards you.
5) There are no compromises.
Instead, there are only demands. The only solution oftentimes is to agree with their stance and, essentially, meet their expectations in order to keep the peace. Questions that would inspire compromise, mutual understanding, and such, are not often asked.
6) They are passive-aggressive.
They make slight remarks, roll their eyes, bring up old issues, walk away in the middle of conversations, reply in short sentences, etc. They say they are not angry when they actually are.
7) They shut you out.
There is a term that is particularly common with people of the INFJ personality type. It’s a term called, “The Door Slam,” which is when someone abruptly shuts the other person out… of their life. I would also add that if they don’t shut you out, they’ve communicated that they are ready to.
8) Their other relationships aren’t doing so great.
This person might have a history of drama with other close relationships (with siblings, friends, significant others, co-workers, etc). It’s a sign that, at least in some ways, they are part of the problem.
9) Most conflicts begin because of something “you’ve” done wrong.
In their eyes, you are to blame for almost everything. It matters very little, the context of the thing they say is your fault or your mistake. The important thing to note is that the pattern of conflict (the majority of the time) starts with an issue they have with you.
10) They don’t apologize.
Toxic people have a very (possibly genuinely) hard time, seeing what they’ve done wrong in a situation. In general, it takes a lot of humility to admit fault and say you are sorry. Toxic people probably won’t apologize very often though, because in their eyes they were justified.
11) There are not very many “good times.”
I believe it’s very possible for a toxic person to ruin a relationship to such an extent, that the bad times outweigh the good. Not because the quality of the good times is not “good enough,” but simply because there are more bad times than good times. This is a sign of an extreme case.
SIGNS THAT YOU’RE BEING TOXIC:
1) You have a problem with people’s boundaries.
People may set boundaries around how much time they spend with you, the kinds of topics they are open to discussing, boundaries based on their own needs, relationship boundaries, and physical boundaries.
There are obviously some noteworthy exceptions to this. Physical boundaries within the context of marriage, regarding intimacy, for example, could be concerning and may point to a bigger issue.
However, in the general scope of things and within a reasonable context, a sign you might be toxic includes if you view healthy boundaries as some sort of an attack on you. In reality, healthy boundaries preserve relationships and relationship quality.
2) People have a hard time talking to you about the tough stuff.
You may have noticed that there is not as much “depth” in the relationship as there used to be. People might become uncomfortable or seem like they don’t really enjoy talking to you about their life, things they’re going through, or how they’re feeling.
If they were typically very open with you and are now very quiet, it may be a sign that toxic behaviors created some distance.
3) People get stressed out, defensive, anxious, or hurt before, during, or after talking to you.
If before, during, or after conversations, people are associating you with unpleasant emotions, it may be a sign that you are toxic – especially as it pertains to their emotional wellbeing.
4) It’s not just a problem in one relationship – it’s a problem in several.
You may have noticed that many of your relationships or close friendships will not last. You may even learn to anticipate that they will end.
If this is not the case, you may just notice that although relationships last, there is often discord, or animosity within them. Disagreements can escalate to a point where the argument is no longer reasonable or healthy.
5) The drama is constant.
If peace is inconsistent and drama is almost predictable in the majority of your relationships, it may be a sign that you’re the problem.
6) You don’t forgive.
If you find that you are having a hard time forgiving for small things, that could be a sign that you are being toxic. If you find that you hold grudges, bring up old arguments, have a record of wrongs in your mind, and generally can’t “let go,” that might be a sign there is some work to do – not only for other people you come across but for yourself.
7) You are trying to manipulate people or outcomes.
Good intention, or lack of intention, doesn’t matter so much if you’re hurting people along the way. Many of your conflicts with others might come from a vulnerable place. Your conflict with others might be out of some protective instinct. Your conflicts can come from a genuine interest in connecting.
Regardless, if you are trying to manipulate people or control situations or outcomes (even if it’s for everyone’s benefit), you are doing more harm than good.
8) You blame other people for your own bad behavior.
You may find yourself saying; “this person made me mad,” “this person deserved it because it was a rightful consequence of their actions,” or you may just shut them out and act like they no longer exist.
Oftentimes this bad behavior is actually just bitterness and bitterness is like a scab covering a very tender place. It might be worth it to allow yourself to be sensitive and allow old wounds to heal, even while maintaining new and worthwhile boundaries.
9) You are very critical of others.
This can be a tough one to spot. Sometimes the criticism is partnered with anger and hostility and it’s obvious that your criticism is not constructive for the other person. Other times, the criticism is not necessarily constructive and it’s not outwardly hostile either. It’s just frequent, unnecessary, and condescending.
10) You believe you are always right.
Did your behavior towards someone make a third party feel awkward and uncomfortable? People may have commented on your behavior and noticed unhealthy interactions. People on the outside may have even attempted to get you to see things from a more open perspective.
If you believe that you are always right and always justified, you lose out on opportunities to reflect and grow as a person. In every case, all the time, there is always something we could have done better.
HOW TO STOP BEING TOXIC
Things You Can Do To Cut Out Toxic Behaviors
1) Give yourself some time away.
Use the time to reflect on the quality of your relationships. Think about the thoughts, feelings, and behaviors that contribute to unhealthy patterns. What is going on inside you and where does that history come from. In order to stop being a toxic person, you have to realize where those negative patterns are coming from. Giving yourself some space from others will also lessen the possibility of things going sideways as you do some internal work.
2) Resolve to say only things that are positive.
What we speak is usually somehow related to what we think. There’s an acronym for THINK that can help you keep yourself accountable as you intentionally consider your language with others. THINK before you speak. “Is it true? Is it helpful? Is it inspiring? Is it necessary? Is it kind?”
One of the primary ways to stop being toxic is to simply guard your heart and your mind and make sure that the things you say are good, uplifting, encouraging, and graceful. When you are upset, give yourself some time to breathe. Try to protect a positive atmosphere around you.
Philippians 4:8 (MSG): Think about things that are “true, noble, reputable, authentic, compelling, gracious, and beautiful.”
3) Mind your business.
You can’t manage other people, or their actions, thoughts, or feelings. You can only manage you: your thoughts, your feelings, and your actions. Don’t get so invested in someone else’s life that you don’t invest in your own.
If you really want to stop being toxic, you have to understand that people are living their own lives with their own loads to carry. In any relationship, there are going to be occasions where the other person does not do things the way you would. They won’t make the same choices. They won’t do things the same way. That’s okay. Learn to let go a little bit.
4) Take care of yourself.
It’s a tough reality but once you come of age, no one is going to take care of you. Not really. If they are, they’re not going to be able to take care of you the way that you can take care of yourself. You need to make yourself a priority. Pay attention to what you want and what you need. Self-care is really important.
Burnout will be the reason a lot of things escalate. If you are too tired, too hungry, too overworked, too overwhelmed and you are not taking time to sleep, feed yourself, or relax, you’d be surprised how this can spew out and cause unnecessary problems with others.
5) Get to the root.
Before you can start working on your behaviors, you have to start at the root of it all. Start with your thought life. Start with your history. Start with your heart and then work on your character. One of the best ways I would do this for myself when I had no one and no counsel, was through journaling.
For every conflict, every action, and reaction, I would keep asking myself “why” until I got to the bottom of it. After asking myself “why” enough times through writing, I’d understand that all the seemingly complex things were actually kind of simple.
6) Set boundaries.
If you happen to be in a relationship with another toxic person (and you are toxic yourself because of it), it’s okay to set healthy boundaries: relationship boundaries, personal boundaries, conversational boundaries. It’s okay to limit how much time you spend with someone. It’s okay to limit conversations to certain topics. This is a healthier more sustainable way to preserve yourself, your character, and your integrity.
7) Ask more questions and listen more.
While you’re in the middle of your growth journey, there is going to be this awkward middle phase where you have to fight your instincts. Before letting your emotions take over, ask questions.
Some examples of questions you can ask are: “what was your intention,” or “did you mean to do or say this.” It’s okay to put disclaimers out there as well. “I’m trying not to react this way, can you help me understand…”
Ask questions with the aim of understanding first and then being understood. Ask questions with the aim of finding common ground. Focus more on solutions rather than problems.
8) Be empathic, compassionate, and vulnerable.
There’s an overall pattern for people who are toxic. They harden their hearts. They neglect the emotions and experiences of others. They shy away from opportunities to be vulnerable. They ignore chances to choose compassion. Instead, have empathy. Put yourself in the other person’s shoes.
9) Search for common ground.
Part of conflict resolution is searching for common ground. Being able to be respectful while expressing differences is a necessary character trait for any relationship. Be solution-oriented, collaborative and flexible.
10) Apologize.
Even while you’re actively trying to do better, it’s possible you’ll make mistakes. Apologize. Make it part of your process. Choose growth even when it doesn’t come naturally.
If you’re paying close enough attention, you’ll notice when you’ve made progress. Time will pass and you’ll look back and see that you’ve grown.
If you’d like more information about how to stop being a toxic person, how to thrive in your relationships, and even how to be a better person. Check out this post: How To Be A Better Person and Unlock The Best Version of You!