I’m going to be really straightforward about this topic. Dealing with a divorce is one thing. This is how to deal with a divorce you don’t want. So, on that note, I’m going to be sharing 13 tips that helped me cope and deal with my own divorce.
I want this to be known first: Marriage is important and God’s intention for marriage was GOOD.
And to the husbands, you are to demonstrate love for your wives with the same tender devotion that Christ demonstrated to us, his bride. For he died for us, sacrificing himself to make us holy and pure, cleansing us through the showering of the pure water of the Word of God. All that he does in us is designed to make us a mature church for his pleasure, until we become a source of praise to him—glorious and radiant, beautiful and holy, without fault or flaw.
Marriage is the beautiful design of the Almighty, a great mystery of Christ and his church.
Ephesians 5:25-27, 32 (tpt)
All of us, we’re imperfect. We fulfill our roles in marriage imperfectly.
But when we invite God into the middle of it, that leaves a lot of room for Him to do what marriage was intended to do, what the word says marriage was designed to do. When marriage is done right, it is a testament to Jesus’ love for us and love’s ability to transform us.
So here’s a long story short:
I was sitting on the couch one day thinking about the quality of my marriage. I realized I was unhappy and I tried to pinpoint what was or wasn’t happening that made me feel this way. I assumed my spouse might be unhappy as well.
I was optimistic about admitting that there was work to be done. I thought, “Great, our marriage sucks. Now that we know, we can do something about it.” I was excited about making that new conscious decision.
After talking to my husband when he got home from work, I did a lot of listening. I heard a lot of things that hurt. Despite hearing that I wasn’t very well-liked, I thought… “okay, I can work around this.” And then toward the end of the conversation, I got the impression that things were already over.
I felt a sense of powerlessness and hopelessness (things I may have been feeling as an empath). But then, for a moment I pictured a vertical line and a horizontal line, crossing almost like a ‘t’. I thought: based on what’s in front of me, based on what’s on the horizon, I can see what the enemy’s trying to do here. It’s so obvious. But, man, this could be really awesome if we try to see what God wants to do here.
Just as quickly, I realized that I could fight for him… but I couldn’t fight against him. I was four months post-partum. After having my first anxiety attack, I made plans to move back home.
I was encouraged to fight for my marriage, to fight for my family. I was encouraged to love someone who did not love me. And, to this day, I don’t regret any of the decisions I made to stay, even though it was at the expense of my dignity.
Over the next 814 days, I experienced anxiety attacks, depression, insomnia, stress-induced heart issues, and some other random health concerns here and there. I focused on my individuality. I focused on acts of service. I focused on working and kept myself busy. I fought to be happy. I focused on friends. I wept. I prayed. I danced. And, then I did it all over again the next day. Imperfectly. But I did it.
My only regret is that I did not know how to fight for all that mattered most to me while preserving myself.
These tips will show you how to deal with a divorce you don’t want. Divorce is a process. These tips apply as you walk through that process.
1) Don’t Sacrifice Your Character
In the early stages of our breakup, I went back to the very beginning of our marriage. I took my vows out of an old keepsake box. I watched the video of our wedding a family member recorded. I read letters others had written to us, letters we had written to each other. I tried to be conscious about the person I was and the person I was trying to be. I tried to remember the person I married.
Hindsight is 20/20, right? I made a lot of mistakes from super broken places trying to give more than what I had emotionally available. I spoke with friends on separate occasions throughout this process about how I had become shocked by who I was becoming as a result of all this. I was becoming jealous, anxious, self-conscious, and careless. I saw myself as I interpreted myself being seen. It led to me making mistakes that compromised my character.
The quote: “adversity introduces a man to himself,” is one of my favorites. And it’s one I always go back to, especially to explain the way pain has the ability to mold us when we’re not careful.
My encouragement to you, speaking from both my successes and my failures in this process, is to remind yourself of who you are, of what you stand for, and the kind of person you promised to be.
2) Do Things Just For You
You might be spending more time focusing on the other person. Instead of licking your wounds, you’re thinking of all the things you can do to fix everything. Now that the other person is at 0 capacity, you feel like you have to give an extra 100.
It’s very possible to do all the right things. But if it’s only for the other person, then it’s for the wrong reasons. You want to make sure that while you’re choosing ways to show up for the other person you’re also choosing ways to show up for yourself. It’s a very delicate balance to navigate through but it’s important.
3) Focus On Your Other Relationships
Your marriage is an important thing. But it can’t be your everything. One powerful way to remember that is by staying rooted in your relationships with other people. Particularly, if those relationships include people that are relatively happy and healthy. Those other friendships can be really great support systems that help positively contribute to your life in this season. It helps you get back to yourself. It helps you take your mind off of things.
4) Do Everything You Can
I have no regrets because I know I did everything I could. If it had only been up to me I would have left at the first sign that said, “there’s no hope here.” But I took the advice of pastors and mentors. I drew from the support of my friends and family. I worked through things with God. I took breaks when I needed to. I read books. I tried therapy.
My personal limits may have had an impact on my effectiveness but I can honestly say, I gave it an honest chance and gave 100% toward my effort. Now that I’m at this point, I can move forward having that peace of mind. I don’t look back and think “what if…”
5) Careful Inviting Others Into Your Process
Be careful inviting others into your process. Within the first year of this issue in our marriage, I kept a lot of it a secret from my immediate family. If things took a turn for the better, I wanted to make sure my family didn’t have to carry the load of forgiving the things I had to forgive in order to move on.
Usually, when I’m going through really painful things, especially at home, I isolate myself and keep them very private. I take a lot of pride in putting on a brave face. For some reason, in this season in our marriage, I didn’t feel like… it was possible for me to do this alone.
I’m thankful that I was emotionally mature enough to handle the obstacles that come with inviting others into my process.
To be in an extremely vulnerable position and give people grace when they say the wrong things is not easy. It’s also not easy to sift through what should be taken in and what should be let go.
6) Forgive, Every Day If Necessary
People assume that a sign of true forgiveness is when it no longer hurts. There’s an expectation that when you’ve really forgiven someone, you are able to let go to a point where the pain you previously experienced is no longer there.
The thing about divorce, at least for me, is that there are so many points in this process, where I find myself hurt all over again. If it had only been me and my husband, I have reason enough to believe that I would have been able to move on more seamlessly.
The separation alone left me feeling disposable. The sense of belonging that came from being a part of a family was removed. I no longer felt like I had a right to the groups and the communities I was a part of, at least not an equal right.
Introducing a child into the equation made the healing process that much more difficult for me. It wasn’t just about struggling to forgive what was done to me. It became a process that had to involve forgiving the effects the divorce would have on my relationship with my daughter. Having less access to her. Seeing her only certain days of the week. Navigating the present while considering her future, and oh, how it would affect the future, her future.
The moments that caused me grief as a mom were more frequent than the moments that caused me grief as a wife. In the same moments I noticed my pain, I chose to forgive. And I forgive as often as I need to.
I encourage you to do the same. Forgive as often as you need to. Understand that forgiveness will not always remove your pain. Sometimes it will. But sometimes it won’t. I believe time is the thing that makes the pain dissipate.
Forgiving the other person keeps you from growing bitter. It helps you to remain tender-hearted.
7) Take Care of Your Health
This might not be the case for everyone. But I know it’s possible for health to be affected by this kind of hardship.
My experiences affected my mental health and my emotional stability, for sure. But after years of dealing with the same things, it all started affecting my physical health.
It took me a long time (and a long list of symptoms) to go see a doctor. Being observant of your health and wellness with the help of a doctor and/or a therapist is one of the most practical ways you can focus on taking care of yourself.
When you’re dealing with a divorce you don’t want, it’s very easy to be consumed in repairing all the damage that you forget yourself. Looking back, one of the most crucial mistakes I made was not taking my health more seriously. And not doing things that preserved my mind, my heart, my body.
All of it matters.
8) Get Away
The biggest lesson I learned was that I wasn’t able to love someone who didn’t love me; I wasn’t able to do it while preserving myself.
Being fully present in an environment that was not conducive to my health or well-being took a huge toll on me. It was toxic.
It’s very easy to feel like our lives revolve around the people we love. It’s easy to feel like our identities are wrapped around our relationships to other people. We describe ourselves as wives, mothers, daughters, and friends. All terms that highlight our attachments to others.
If someone is disengaged in marriage and you’re still trying to stay to pick up the pieces and keep things together, please make sure that you are able to do that while remaining happy, healthy, and secure.
Because I was not able to do that, I found that getting away often helped me survive.
Being with my family and friends and surrounding myself with people who genuinely cared for me was very refreshing. I traveled more regularly to see them.
I also found ways to “get away” while being home. I took myself out. I did things that I enjoyed. I went to the gym. I went for walks. I went to the movies. I went out for dinner (yes, by myself!).
And, I became more intentional about connecting with my personal community. It might sound kind of sad, but these activities reminded me that I was not the problem. My relationship with others reminded me that I was lovable and that I brought a unique value to the people around me.
Even taking the time away to just be with me reminded me that I was not hard to love.
If you’ve found that you’re investing “too much” of yourself into another person, it’s time to rein it in a little bit.
9) Get What You Need
There were a lot of times I neglected my needs because I was afraid or embarrassed to admit them.
If I was going to continue being a wife, I needed the love of my husband.
If I was going to remain present, I needed to live in an environment where I felt safe and secure.
If I was going to stay in a relationship that was kind of toxic, I needed therapy… actively.
I needed to be happy and content. I needed to be around people who loved me and poured into me.
I never realized it in the middle of the turmoil but I needed separation.
In all my efforts to keep my family together, in all my efforts to repair what was breaking within me, I had such a hard time accepting the reality that what I wanted did not necessarily align with what I needed.
How did I come to realize that? Things started coming at an expense.
At the expense of my emotional stability.
At the expense of my heart health.
At the expense of my mental and digestive health (who knew the two were related? lol).
Get what you need. Turns out those things are actually non-negotiable.
10) Remember Your First Love
There was a natural way my feelings would progress when I was dealing with them with God. Sometimes my grief would lead to a deep and painful wailing, and it would end there. I would cry for however long I needed to: in the shower, in the office, in the car, in the closet, downstairs in my corner of the sectional.
I would talk to God and say: “Why…” “How could he…” “What did I do to deserve this…”
The amount of pain I was in made me wonder how much pain I could have inadvertently caused. It made me wonder how much pain was buried under the surface of the man I used to know.
And it was often the point where I asked: “How could he do this to me?.” that I subsequently remembered how God so loves us.
I’d think: “Is it possible for us to cause you so much grief, so much heartbreak? I’m only dealing with one man and you are dealing with generations.”
When I remembered that my husband failed, I also chose to remember where I failed. And, even though I was hurt, that acknowledgment kept me from staying in a victim mentality.
All the pain and suffering; I took all of it as a reminder of God’s love. God’s love – that is more perfect. The love that endures all things, hopes all things, believes all things, and endures all things. Every time I wanted to quit, I stood amazed that a God in and out of time still wants us.
11) Watch Your Heal
I noticed a new pattern as I was going through the process of separation and divorce. My values for marriage were changing. It was a pattern that helped me cope. A pattern that helped me stop grieving what I felt I lost.
At some point, I internalized the idea that marriage doesn’t matter. I started saying “Marriage is just a piece of paper. My commitment to another person doesn’t matter. My convictions about marriage and family don’t matter. In the end, it’s just paper.”
Sometimes the absence of pain makes us feel like we’re healing. Be careful with that. Be observant. Watch the way that you’re healing. There’s so much more I’d like to share with you about this topic, so:
LISTEN TO: WATCH YOUR HEAL ON THE FOR YOU AND YOURS PODCAST.
12) When You Are Alone, You’re Not Alone
Some of the most invigorating moments I experienced were in moments when I took the time to pray. I spoke to God as though He were right in front of me, as though He was in the room. I spoke to Him as though He were my Father, my Friend, my Counselor.
In moments when there was nothing to be said, and there was just pain, I knew that He was there with me.
I remember specific prayers, in specific rooms, and those conversations were echoed back to me at a later time as an assurance that He was heard me.
God cares for you. Even though you may feel alone, you aren’t.
People in the world find different ways to process they’re pain when they’re left to themselves. They filter their pain through other people or they filter their emotions through music. They trust themselves to know what’s best.
We don’t have to do that. We’re not alone in this.
WHEN YOU’RE IN THE MIDDLE
13) Trust God… It Ain’t Over Til It’s Over
I was asked by a new friend recently, “What would you say? What advice would you give to someone who’s going through this.” And I couldn’t help but cry. I feel like there’s always a part of me that breaks when I hear people are getting divorced. It doesn’t matter if they’ve been together 3 years, 9 years, 22 years… it all hurts my heart the same.
But of all the tips I’ve shared here, this is the only one I mentioned out loud.
Trust God. Trust the goodness of God. Know that He is with you. Depend on him completely. If you’re not the one initiating the divorce and you feel like you can really fight all the way up until the end, hold yourself to your vow.
And while there is still something to fight for, fight as hard as you can.
