Resilience is a characteristic that allows you to grow through what you go through. If you’re at a breaking point, here are 20 steps if you’re wondering how to build resilience.
If you’ve ever:
- dealt with loss
- been hurt by someone you loved
- been “stuck” and just completely unable to pull yourself up
- been past the point of burnout
- fought an uphill, seemingly unending, battle
- been shocked by the dramatic turn your life has taken
Resilience is the trait that allows you to remain intact. It allows you to preserve the best parts of who you are despite all the reasons to become angry or bitter or toxic.
What does resilience mean?
Resilience is “the capacity of a person to maintain their core purpose and integrity in the face of dramatically changed circumstances.” It’s the ability to bounce back from challenges, difficulties, or setbacks. It’s about staying strong, adapting, and recovering when things go wrong.
“Resilience can refer to positive adjustment in the face of adversity. Resilience has also been defined as the capacity of individuals to cope successfully with significant change, adversity or risk.”
hyun lee & james cranford
I’d argue that resilience is one of the key contributors that enable a person to go from surviving to thriving. Everyone is born with some measure of resilience – but it’s also a valuable skill that can be developed over time (especially through trial and error).
Life can be really difficult sometimes. Enduring can be difficult sometimes. But just in case anything in your life is trying to convince you of the opposite: You matter.
And because you matter, know that being intentional about this process matters. You might find the strength to be resilient when you think of your family or your friends. But my biggest recommendation is to do this for you.
Why resilience is important:
Resilience is an attribute that helps you cope with life’s setbacks. The ability to be resilient empowers you to maintain your mental health. It gives you the ability to adapt to change. It gives you the tools to recover from the adversity you face. And finally, it teaches you how to sustain relationships and your overall well-being. Resilience helps you continue to pursue your vision for the future.
Can resilience be Built?
Some people have more inherent resilience and grit than others. But there are definitely strategies you can use to help you build from the foundation of resilience you already have.
WHAT ARE SOME SIGNS OF RESILIENCE IN A PERSON?
- Self-awareness
- Realistic Optimism
- Adaptability and flexibility
- Problem-solving skills
- Self-Control
- Healthy coping strategies
- Motivation
- Strong Connections
- Emotional Intelligence and Regulation
- Resourcefulness
- Gratitude
What resilience is not.
There can be some unhealthy misconceptions about what resilience is and what resilience is not. So I wanted to clarify that here.
Resilience is NOT the suppression of emotions. Resilience does not mean that you don’t show or feel emotion.
Resilience is NOT toughing everything out on your own. Resilience does not mean that you never have to ask for help.
Resilience is NOT perfectionism. Resilience does not mean that you will never make a mistake or have an off-day. You don’t have to strive to do it perfectly.
Resilience is NOT constant busyness. Don’t mistake constant activity as commitment.
Resilience is NOT pushing through without rest. Resilience does not mean that you never need a break.
Resilience is NOT stubbornness. You will need to be flexible, and adaptable, and change course when it’s needed.
Resilience is NOT indifference to challenges. Resilience does not mean that you are unaffected by challenges.
Resilience is NOT overconfidence. Have an accurate estimation of yourself and what you can handle. Don’t assume that being overly self-reliant, refusing to see your limit, and refusing to seek support means that you are resilient.
All these things can pose as a strength but are actually serious weaknesses.
Are resilience and perseverance the same?
In short, no, resilience and perseverance are not the same. Resilience is about recovering and adapting when facing challenges and perseverance is about pursuing goals despite the obstacles. Resilience helps you “get back on track” and perseverance helps you “keep moving forward.”
Are resilience and tenacity the same?
No. The focus of tenacity is about steadfastness, determination, and unwavering commitment to a specific outcome. Resilience is about maintaining your well-being in the face of adversity. Tenacity and perseverance are very similar attributes, in that, tenacity is also something that drives you and keeps you going regardless of the difficulties you face.
How To Build Resilience
1) Resist The Urge To Complain
Practice being aware of your mindset and monitoring your thoughts. Practice optimism and learn the art of encouraging yourself. Focus on what you have and on what you can control. It’ll help you see the message in the mess.
Life sucks. That’s okay to say sometimes. I believe it’s possible to vent in a healthy and productive way. You should have the authority to speak about your life as you experience it. If you’re dealing with negative circumstances that doesn’t mean that you are being negative when you talk about it. It can simply be an objective reality. So don’t let people make you feel guilty for that.
My main encouragement is to expand your vision, your language, and your thoughts to include the things that don’t suck. To include the things that you still have. I can assure you: there is something beautiful that remains.
2) Create Boundaries
When you’re trying to be resilient, creating boundaries helps you get a clear framework for managing your time, energy, and emotional resources. Creating boundaries prevents you from burning out. It can be helpful to set limits on how much you choose to take on. It keeps you from getting too stressed or too overwhelmed.
You can set boundaries on your time by limiting work hours and taking breaks; making sure you get enough rest and sleep; and allocating personal time for reading, hobbies, or other refreshing self-care activities.
You can set social and emotional boundaries by communicating your need for personal space or time to process your emotions; limiting discussions with people who drain your energy; and deciding how much personal information you want to share with others and with whom. You can also decide how much social interaction you can handle and communicate that.
You can create a physical space where you can retreat, relax, and recharge. You can set mental boundaries limiting information consumption and your exposure to negative news; and you can also choose what tasks you want to take on to avoid overcommitting.
3) Know Your Limits
Knowing your limits means understanding and recognizing when you’re at capacity. it keeps you from overexerting or overcommitting. Set realistic achievable goals. Prioritize your tasks and be mindful of your time and energy limits. Learn to say no to things when you need to. Learn to delegate whenever possible. And regularly check in with yourself to see how you’re feeling about how things are going. Be proactive and intentional about your commitments. Be your best advocate.
4) Understand Your Purpose
Know what drives you. Know what makes you feel most alive. Know what you love most. Recognize your passions, strengths, and core values and how they align with your long-term goals and aspirations. This gives you a sense of direction and helps you stay focused and motivated.
When you have a strong sense of purpose, you’re more likely to view setbacks as temporary obstacles rather than insurmountable problems. It reduces the impact of stress. It helps you maintain a positive mindset which is crucial.
5) Have a Support System and Use It!
Build strong relationships. Cultivate your own supportive network of family and friends. Positive relationships can give you the emotional support and practical help you need when things get tough.
One of the biggest hurdles I consistently had to wrestle through in my life, was being overwhelmed with emotion. Strong emotion. Bitterness. Grief. Anger. Denial.
It kept me from being able to problem-solve. The pain associated with each step, each decision, was gripping. I’d tend to get lost in the feeling of loss. I’d tend to get overwhelmed thinking of the ripple effects for every move I’d make.
I had people in my life who provided spiritual refreshment. I had people in my life who were willing to hear me out. But I often had a person I would go to (who knew me very well) who was willing to help me think practically and sensibly when my emotions were overwhelming.
Having people you can go to that are wise, graceful, willing to listen, who know you and know how to be there for you is one of the most valuable things you can foster in your life. It can give you a sense of vision, strength, security, and belonging.
6) Focus On Today
Be present. Focus your attention on what is happening right now. Limit your distractions. Focus on one task at a time. Actively listen when you’re with others. Learn to be appreciative and grateful often. Pause every so often to check in with yourself. Embrace everything you have now.
Don’t let yourself become depressed by looking to the past too often. And don’t let yourself become too anxious by looking to the future. Sometimes grounding techniques can help you bring your awareness back to the present.
7) Compartmentalize
Compartmentalizing is a psychological strategy where you separate parts of your life or emotions into different “compartments” focusing on one thing instead of processing two things at once or moving unto the next thing. When you are at work, you deal with work. While you are at home, you focus on your family and yourself. It helps you to manage stress, keeps you focused, empowers you by dealing with one thing at a time, and keeps you from being overwhelmed by multiple issues at once.
Compartmentalizing helps you break down complicated situations into smaller, manageable parts. It helps you concentrate on the issue at hand and sets aside unrelated thoughts or feelings. It keeps one part of your life from spilling into another part of your life. It requires some level of discipline and emotional control. The ability to manage and regulate the feelings you have can be really crucial.
Compartmentalizing helps you build resilience by allowing you to focus on problem-solving, emotionally regulating, managing stress, balancing competing priorities, and increasing your productivity and adaptability.
8) Be Flexible
There is so much that happens in life that is out of our control. Adaptability is an essential key. Be open to change. Be willing to roll with the punches. Be willing to adjust your plans as needed.
9) Change what you can, accept what you can’t
So much of our mental and emotional struggle is about wanting to exert control over things we simply can’t.
We can’t control:
- other people’s actions, behaviors, decisions, or opinions
- the past
- natural disasters or the weather
- time
- genetics
- accidents
Yes, you can change things. You can influence decisions. You can make a positive impact. You can turn things around. You can make a difference. But that doesn’t take away from the fact that there are still limitations. When you’re able to accept the things you can’t change, it can give you a very unexpected sense of peace, maybe even a sense of peace you can’t fully understand. But it allows you to focus on the things that are within your power. And this can help you to have a more positive and constructive mindset.
We can control:
- our attitude
- our effort
- our actions and our choices
- our habits
- our learning
- how we spend our time
- how we want to move forward
“God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.”
Reinhold NIEBUHR
10) Practice Self-Awareness
You’d be surprised how many people don’t know themselves. People don’t know what they think. People don’t know what they feel. It can be an even greater challenge to be able to communicate both. One of the biggest recommendations I have is to cultivate your own emotional intelligence. Learn to be aware of your internal world. Learn to understand yourself. And then, learn to manage it all effectively. Journaling or challenging yourself to reach out to trusted friends can help you strengthen this skill.
If needed, you can also get help with this from a mental health professional. Oftentimes, people know what to do, or what they should do, but they don’t know how to practically do it, step-by-step. Therapy is a huge help in a lot of the practical applications of this process.
11) Take Care of Yourself
Take care of yourself. Focus on things that refresh your mind, your heart, and your body. Exercise can seem like a huge feat but something as simple as choosing to take a walk outside could be just what you need. (That happens to take care of your mind and your body at the same time). Take up some hobbies, get a good amount of sleep, and do things that refresh your soul and make you feel better long-term.
12) Keep Yourself Busy
When you’re able to keep yourself busy in a healthy and balanced way, it can give you some productive tools to develop resilience.
When you’re intrinsically happy, content, and fulfilled, doing nothing can be incredibly refreshing! BUT… doing nothing when you’re depressed can be draining.
So learning to keep yourself busy, even when you don’t feel like it, can ultimately what is best for you. It improves you’re mental health, gives you a solid sense of purpose, strengthens your social connections, helps you focus on meaningfully managing your time, and distract you from negative thinking.
Here are some healthy ways to keep yourself busy:
- Exercise
- Take up a hobby or a DIY project
- Read
- Volunteer
- Socialize
- Learn a new skill
- Cook
- Write
- Get a pet
- Travel
- Go to community events
13) Develop Your Competence
Another part of developing your competence has to do with developing your problem-solving skills. Learn how to break challenges down into manageable parts and tackle them step-by-step. *the ability to know how to handle stressful situations effectively
14) Understand Your Values
Developing resilience involves learning to be decisive and resolute about your values. It contributes to your ability to be determined when you are not swaying back and forth between one decision or another. When you are comfortable with your values, you can get past the point of analyzing what you want most. You already know. Your values can be a firm foundation for moving forward. It gives you a strong sense of right and wrong and can help prepare you to make wise choices.
15) Set Priorities
Setting priorities helps you build resilience by giving you a streamlined way of handling goals, problems, and decisions. It takes a mental load off when you already know the things you have to focus on FIRST. It keeps your obligations organized. So write down all the things you need to address and determine their level of urgency and importance.
If something doesn’t align with your priorities, you are allowed to say no.
16) Affirm Yourself
Practice self-love, self-compassion, and self acceptance. You can use affirmations, positive self-talk, and gratitude to help you achieve this. But this is basically about treating yourself with kindness and respect. You have to believe in your ability to endure, recognize your value, and acknowledge your strengths. Confidence is a powerful catalyst.
17) Cope
Coping skills help you deal with difficult things effectively. Coping skills are the methods you use to deal with difficult situations.
According to ScienceDirect.com, there are 5 types of coping strategies: problem-focused coping, emotion-focused coping, social support, religious coping, and meaning making.
Problem-focused coping involves taking a direct action to address a problem. It focuses on finding solutions and taking steps to change the stressful situation.
Emotional-focused coping involves managing emotions and reducing stress. It may include seeking emotional support, expressing feelings, and reframing thoughts.
Social supports involves seeking assistance and guidance as a way of dealing with stressful situations. It can involve seeking information from others or obtaining tangible assistance or resources from others to address practical needs.
Religious coping refers to the use of religious or spiritual beliefs to manage stress and find meaning. It involves using your faith to seek comfort, guidance, and support during times of crisis or adversity. It can involve prayer, going to church, reading the Bible.
Meaning making as a coping strategy is when you find or create meaning and purpose; seeking to understand and make sense of your circumstances. It can involve reflecting on the significance of the experience, finding lesson and growth opportunities within it, and integrating the experience into a broader understanding of yourself and the world. It can give you a sense of coherence, direction, and resilience.
18) Learn
Life is one of the greatest teachers. Make sure you are learning from your experiences. But for the sake of clarity: make sure you are learning the RIGHT LESSONS from your life experience. Focus on the productive lessons that allow you to grow and move forward productively. Reflect on the past and think about the things that served you well. Don’t dwell too much on your perceived shortcomings or failures. Use the information you have to help you navigate the future.
19) Pray
When I think back on my life and reflect on how I navigated the most turbulent situations, I usually end up thinking: “I never imagined getting to this point. I never imagined healing this deeply or forgiving this much. Never imagined getting to a place where I’ve come to accept a life I once considered unacceptable.”
And quite, frankly, even as I look back on every point I’ve recommended, I genuinely believe the one that empowered me to do all these things effectively was Jesus.
Whatever it is that you are going through, I’d just like to tell you that there is a compassionate God who so deeply cares for you. He is attentive to the condition of your heart.
Prayer helped me wrestle through each and every single step in a way that refined me beyond my own belief.
20) Check in
My last tip is to check in with yourself regularly. Check on your progress. See how you’re doing. Revise your plan if you need to and hold yourself accountable to the future you’d like to create for yourself.
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