Empathy doesn’t always come easily to us. Sometimes it doesn’t come at all. Empathy is not just being able to logically understand a person; it’s being able to “feel” what others feel. For thinkers, it’s a very hard skill to muster up. Empathy is sensing other people’s emotions and putting yourself in their shoes. If you’re wondering how to be empathic, know that you are seeking to “understand and share the feelings of another.” That’s a great place to start.

You can learn to be empathetic by listening more, talking less, becoming a safe space for people, refusing to make assumptions, searching for common ground, and asking questions as you focus on the best ways you relate to people.

As I share these practical steps, take advantage of the opportunities you get to check your heart. Sometimes it’s easy to be empathetic and compassionate toward others because we’ve genuinely been in their place before. Learning how to be empathetic becomes more necessarily when we’re trying to relate to someone who’s gone through something we’ve never been through.

When other people are sharing something with us (and we’re not so healthy ourselves), bitterness, jealousy, anger or selfishness can creep up in our conversations even when we have truly good intentions. This can keep you from truly being able to hear what the other person is trying to share.

I’ll throw myself under the bus really quick. Those closest to me know that I have a strong passion to see women empowered. At home. At work. In business. In ministry. A large part of that comes from seeing the value women bring to the table in so many domains. They bring a different perspective, a different strategy, a different strength. I tend to get very passionate when I feel a woman has been underestimated, overlooked, or overshadowed. And I have a strong tendency to advocate for those who were judged by others. Sometimes those passions are a strength that allows me to encourage, challenge, and uplift. Other times, it is a blockade that keeps me from understanding.

The health of your heart always matters. As you’re actively listening to others, remind yourself to think about yourself less and consider the other person more.

When focusing your personal growth on empathy, you’ll notice that it’s easier to empathize with people you relate to, people who have been in similar situations, or people who process emotions and think the same as you do.

That common ground provides you an authority sometimes. And that’s the easiest kind of empathy to achieve.

But I would urge all of us to try to expand those boundaries to include reaching people who are very different from us. Being empathetic in this context is a skill that we all can grow and develop.

How To Be Empathetic In 10 Truly Effective Steps

1. Listen more. Talk less.

This is the most fundamental step toward becoming a more empathetic person. If your aim is to truly understand the other person, you’ll need to be listening objectively and listening carefully. Allow yourself to be a sounding board. Don’t listen to respond. Don’t listen to fix. Don’t listen to what they say while forming theories about what they didn’t say. Make the other person a priority in the conversation by just truly being available. It’s important to know when to talk and when to listen.

2. Be a safe space.

If you have a conversation with someone who is wrestling with grief, sadness, anger, bitterness or any other uncomfortable emotion, set your own personal priorities for the conversation. Take some time to think about what the other person may want from the conversation and think about what they need to walk away with.

Many times if a close friend is confiding in you and they are vulnerable, they’ll need to know that they are safe. They’ll need to know that they can trust you. They’ll need to know that they can speak in confidence. And they’ll need to know that they’ll be free from unhealthy judgment.

If they feel safe, they’ll be able to open up authentically without worrying about if what they’re saying, or doing, or thinking, or feeling is right or wrong. Allow them that moment. Don’t judge them. Be there for them. When the time is right, you’ll know if and when it’ll be necessary to give them constructive criticism. This goes back to tip number 1 as well. Part of being empathetic is knowing when to tell them what they’ll need to hear.

3. Be observant.

It’s best if you start practicing empathy in your closest circles, with friends and family. The better you know someone, the more like you will be able to tell when something is “off.” If you have years and years of experience knowing a person, you’ll come to know what is normal for them. You’ll know what they’re like when they’re really happy or really sad. You’ll know what certain facial expressions mean. You’ll know how they talk and what their normal tone of voice is.

I remember one time my siblings and I recorded a video for our mother after my step-dad passed away. I notice how similar our mannerisms are. We don’t show a lot of expression on our face when we feel tense emotion. We don’t have strong frowns when we’re angry. Our faces don’t crinkle up in desperation when we cry.

And our tones of voice are very similar. Monotone. We can be so passionate and so tender but what comes out with our voice is very even.

If someone did not truly know us, they could make assumptions about this kind of body language. They could say: “nothing bothers them,” “they’re not excited,” or maybe something else. But because I know my siblings well, I can gauge their emotions more accurately.

If you’re practicing empathy with someone you don’t know very well, be intentional about being observant. Notice their facial expressions. Notice their body language. Notice changes in their tone even in the middle of one conversation.

I remember sharing some of my struggles with burnout with a group of friends. I had been working and going to school full-time for almost a year. I had never really talked to all of them about how hard the process was for me. I remember sitting on the couch as I shared my thoughts and my experiences and my feelings. I did not cry. My facial expressions didn’t fluctuate much. I ended saying, “this whole thing has been really hard for me.” And I’ll never forget one of the friends in our group said, “Yeah, I can tell. Your chest was getting red as you were talking.”

(I laugh to myself because this is a tell for my sister as well.)

4. Don’t make assumptions!

Don’t try to psychoanalyze the other person. Not unless you can 100% confidently say that you know them enough to know how they think and how they feel. Making assumptions about a person and sharing those assumptions with the other person in a vulnerable moment can create more distance. Not only on the other person’s end but on your end as well. You would have built a wall that you are unwilling to tear down in your own mind and your assumption will say more about you than it says about them.

Imagine doing the best you could with what you had and someone saying: “You didn’t do it right.”

Imagine fighting to your core with all your strength for something you cared about and someone saying: “I don’t think you really fought for this.”

Being on the receiving end of that sucks. Don’t do it.

5. Search for common ground.

As I mentioned before, having things in common with another person you are trying to empathize with gives you the advantage to grow in this area. It doesn’t only ever have to do with the subject you guys are talking about. Sometimes, having been through a certain trauma is common ground. Sometimes an unwelcome feeling of jealousy is common ground. Or maybe there’s something about the way a person expresses themself that resonates with you. Search for those moments throughout the conversation and build connections of understanding between them.

6. Ask questions.

Maybe you can relate to this.

A lot of times when we’re trying to be there for someone who’s going through tough stuff, it can almost feel awkward to try to be there for them. If you’ve ever tried to comfort someone who’s lost someone, you know what I mean. Sometimes there is nothing to be done. Sometimes there is nothing to be said. Most of the time we know that.

But still, we have this notion within ourselves that we have to have the answers. We think we have to have the solutions. We think that we should know what to do, or what to say.

Let me take that weight off your shoulder. You don’t have to know anything.

Do you know why? Cause it’s not about you! What a relief!

When you focus your attention on the other person and if you’re uncertain about how best to be there for them, ask them. Common culture wants us to feel guilty about having to ask or “adding a mental load by asking how to help.” If this is a special circumstance and not a daily occurrence, it’s totally okay – especially if you’re just getting started.

Ask them how they’re feeling, how you can help, or what they need.

You can even take this a step further and add step number 3… be observant. Look for opportunities to be there for them or extend an act of kindness that you would appreciate if you were in their shoes.

7. Ask deep-level questions.

When you don’t understand, ask deep-level questions. Here are some examples of the types of questions you could ask.

Can you describe your thoughts or feelings?

How did your experience change throughout the process?

Did you recognize what was happening to you internally?

What details do you remember clearly and which details do you not?

If you could go back, what would you do-over?

And remember, you can never go wrong asking “why.”

8. Consider the avenue of empathy that works best for you.

For people who are struggling to empathize, sometimes that comes from just genuinely not being able to understand how someone felt or why they felt the way they did.

Other times when someone is struggling to empathize, it’s because they cannot understand how someone thought or reacted.

If you can’t understand their feelings, seek to understand their thoughts.

If you can’t understand their thoughts, seek to understand their feelings.

9. Be present.

There’s a certain amount of wisdom that comes to building empathy. Sometimes in order to empathize, it doesn’t require understanding at all. (I know that may seem like a contradiction but it’s not.)

If someone actively dealing with tough stuff, maybe it’s not about rehashing everything that happened and everything that went wrong. Maybe it’s not always about asking tons of questions.

Sometimes the most sensitive thing you can do for someone is just to be present.

10. Put yourself in the other person’s shoes.

Sometimes when you’re looking in from the outside, empathy is hard to achieve. One of the most go-to ways to empathize with someone is to ask yourself “How would I have felt or how would I have behaved if it were me?” “If I was in their shoes, what would I do?”

There is always some part of any situation where you can connect in part.

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