How do I know I’m in love?
I’m sure this is a question we’ve all asked ourselves at some point in our lives. Our society has a habit of using the answers to this question to gauge whether or not a relationship can be successful. I get it.
Here’s the thing.
I think almost everyone in the world is convinced that they know what it means to really love someone. And, I think most of the people in the world have absolutely no idea what they’re talking about.
Everyone mixes up being infatuated with actually being in love. Infatuation is like the honeymoon phase of a relationship. It’s “an intense but short-lived passion or admiration for someone” (thanks Google.) And there’s nothing wrong with infatuation. I think honeymoon phases are beautiful. The problem is that people often use signs of “infatuation” as signs that the other person is “the one.”
Just in case you’re wondering: I’m going to share what infatuation looks like.
- You only see the positive attributes. (You overlook red flags and deal breakers.)
- You have an intense attraction.
- You show some signs of codependency.
- You get butterflies.
- You prioritize them above everything else.
- Your significant other takes up most of your headspace.
- You’re optimistic about your future together.
- You become more affectionate.
I’m going to take a second to start out with this story I always share… one where I felt God leading me to love in my own, somewhat unhealthy, home.
And I know you might be wondering, “what does this have to do with anything?“
Just follow me for a second.
My mother married my step-dad when I was about 11-years-old. We didn’t get along.
There was a point in my life I couldn’t even look this man in the eye. I felt hatred and I saw hatred. A good day was when hatred was replaced with strong dislike or sweet indifference.
When I was in middle school, he told me he felt sorry for any man who wanted to be my father. In high school, one of the arguments got so heated that he called the cops.
If he was in the room, I’d leave. On a daily basis, we only talked when it was necessary.
When I was about 15 years old, I felt God dealing with me (in the beautifully frustrating way He always has.) I felt Him healing the parts of my heart that were broken; breaking down the strong wall I built to protect myself.
And so began the painful, excruciating, process of humbling myself. Forgiving. And, learning to be kind, courteous, and sometimes just quiet.
I learned what love really meant by learning to love an enemy; by loving someone I didn’t want to love; by learning to love someone I thought was undeserving.
So before I tell you how to know you’re really in love, I want to stress the importance of taking care of yourself.
- If you’re in a dating relationship and you’re trying to think about how serious your relationship is, make sure you move forward with someone who is your true equal. Especially if you’re considering the concept of marriage. Make sure you’re with someone who is a truly good and truly wise choice. Make sure you’re with someone who values what you would be willing to give. Don’t be quick to give your heart away.
Cause as we get into this topic of love and being in love, you’re going to find out that it has absolutely nothing to do with how you feel. And, in some ways, it seems to have very little to do with the other person. Feelings change sometimes. And, one of the ways that you figure out if you’re really in love is not by looking at the other person or what they do or what they say or what their effect on you is. You know if you’re in love by looking at yourself.
It has everything to do with the choices you make to value the other person. So let’s dive into that.
How Do I Know I’m In Love?
Here’s 15 Things To Look For
You have a solid foundation of similar values with one another.
I’m personally convinced that average people know how to make smart decisions when it comes to relationships. And most often, things go wrong when they ignore the voice in the back of their head that tells them when something isn’t right.
Sometimes, there are blatant (or potentially dangerous) red flags. Sometimes, you just stumble across a deal-breaker when you discuss things like marriage, faith, family, finances, etc.
I’m of the opinion that you can’t really be in love with someone if you aren’t 100% certain you’ve made the right choice for yourself. If there is any subject of conversation in a relationship where you think “maybe they’ll change their mind about this,” “maybe this little difference isn’t such a big deal,” “maybe over time they’ll get better.”
I’m just going to go ahead and say that there’s something else going on. It might look like love. It might feel like love. But I’d bet it’s not and I’d take some time to ask myself: What is it that I’m going after that is leading me to compromise in this area?
Love is allowed to be smart.
Sometimes even a good one isn’t the right one.
You are whole on your own.
This can be kind of triggering for some of us. We struggle against the idea that “relationships are 50/50.” One person gives 50 percent. The other gives 50 percent. That 100 is what makes the relationship work.
Please hear my heart as I write this. You need to be a whole person. You need to know that you are complete already. You need to know that on your own, and with God, you have everything that you need.
Going into a relationship expecting the other person to fill up the parts of you that are empty is setting it all up for failure. You want to care for yourself and be full enough on your own that you could be ready and willing to pour into someone else.
If you’re really in love, you’ll know your worth.
You are healthy.
I came across a verse in Proverbs that’s been in the back of my mind for a couple of weeks. It compared a good man and a bad man and it said “even the kindest acts of a bad man are cruel.”
We’re all human. We’re all flawed. We all make mistakes. So I’m not talking about little imperfections. But we have to be healthy.
We have to take care of ourselves mentally, emotionally, physically, and spiritually in order to love another person well. If we aren’t healthy, than all we are really offering is a love that is self-serving and toxic. If you are healthy, you don’t get jealous of the other person. You aren’t proud, rude, or selfish. You are completely genuine,
A good person with good intentions can be completely convinced that they are in-love. But real love, the kind of love that actually lasts, can only come from a truly healthy person.
You have reasonable expectations of the other person.
And because you also love and value yourself, you don’t accept anything less than what you deserve from a partner.
You are patient with the other person.
You’re not easily irritated. You’re not quick to get angry or take offense. You show great patience and great kindness. Even when the other person may not necessarily deserve it and things get difficult, you show great endurance in loving the other person through it all.
You are consistent with the other person.
You are a steady person. Your relationship would not be defined as a roller-coaster. You present yourself to this person in gentle and consistently kind ways.
You’re not willing to give up them.
Being healthy, being whole, and having a solid foundation are all prerequisites for this point. I say this because it’s so important to be careful while you’re dating. Make sure you truly know the other person before you even start considering the concept of lifetime commitment.
If all of that is true for you, then another sign that you are really in love is that you are unwilling to give up.
It’s not so much about how you feel anymore. Now it’s about the person you’ve chosen. You are sure of yourself. You are sure of the other person. You know are assured you’ve made the right decision. You’ve seen all there is to see. You’ve gone through it all.
Despite any possible reason to leave and despite anything that may happen in the future, you can actively look back on a moment when you decided “This is it. No matter what, I’m not going to give up.”
You are flexible with the other person.
You’re not stubborn. You’re not the kind of person who wants everything done their way. You are willing to compromise and seek resolutions.
You’ve gone through good and bad times together.
If you’re wondering if you’re in love, this is one of the truest earthly tests I can think of. If you see this point and you think: “we haven’t really gone through any bad times,” you probably haven’t been in the relationship long enough.
And it’s not just about if you made it through, it’s also about how you made it through. Has the quality of your character and the quality of your love remained intact through the ups and downs?
You see the other person as a true equal.
No one is perceived as superior or inferior. You see the other person as a true equal, a true counterpart. You see how the other person adds value to the relationship. You acknowledge the areas where they are strong and where they can partner with you. You can appreciate how they challenge your thoughts, your behavior, your perspective, your character, your faith, etc.
You forgive.
You don’t hold grudges. You don’t keep score. You don’t remind them of the time they failed. You set healthy boundaries for yourself and the other person. When the other person makes a mistake, you forgive. When you make the mistake, you apologize when you’re wrong.
You see the other person objectively.
You see the other person rightly. You see the other person accurately. Although you can see their potential, you truly have eyes for the person right in front of you. You know their strengths and their weaknesses. You know what their biggest flaws are. You don’t overlook the “bad” character traits. You know where they could use some growth as well.
You make plans for the future together.
It’s more than just about having a good feeling about the future. You’re actually making plans. You’ve had discussions about what the future will look like. You’ve had the opportunity to discuss what would be required of you to make all those dreams a reality.
And, most importantly, your plans for the future are filled with intention and wise choices that will set you up for the highest probability of success. As you move forward, each of your decisions shows care for yourself and the other person.
You would choose them every time.
You’re very aware of the fact that there are other options out there and it doesn’t matter.
You make choices to love them even when you don’t necessarily want to.
I’m going to use this final point as another reminder to be careful and extremely thoughtful about who you give your heart to. Because this is how you know your love was real all along.
If the person you love disappoints you, you still love them.
If the person you love betrays you, you still love them.
If the person you love breaks your heart, you still love them.
If the person you love suddenly feels more like an enemy, you still love them.
And it’s not because they’re the best thing that ever happened to you.
And it’s not because they deserve it.
And it’s not because you’re desperate.
It’s because, in your heart, you’ve already chosen them. And you’ll choose to love them under every possible circumstance. Real love never gives up on people, never ends, and never loses hope.
