If someone is sending this to you: it’s because they took they time to look at themselves first – they love you and they want your relationships to thrive. K?

How To Stop Being Toxic

I totally get it – toxic people get a bad rap. But I have a lot of compassion for toxic people. There’s a huge misconception in our culture that toxic people are just bad, selfish, or narcissistic to their core. And while it can be the case for some, it’s not the case for most. Another misconception is that toxic people are incapable of change or growth. And that’s not true at all.

The one condition where personal growth is really possible though, it when the toxic person decides to grow out of their own free will, without attempting to manipulate people or outcomes.

I have to let you in on a little secret though.

Assuming most people are good and have good intentions, I’ve noticed:

Broken people are sometimes the most toxic in relationships.

Why’s that?

Because broken people aren’t healed.

So, as is usually the case, these people subconsciously make others suffer the consequences of another person’s mistake.

Notice: I say they make “others” suffer, they don’t make “everyone” suffer. (That tends to make it more difficult for them to be held accountable.)

Some of their relationships are very successful and have few hiccups.

The problem is usually only with the people who are too similar. They are against the person who holds a similar position of authority. They’re against the person trying to get close to them in a similar way. They’re against people with the same personality or character traits. They only have problems with anyone who is too similar to the person who did the damage.

A broken person is more likely to judge unfairly. More likely to misinterpret. More likely to become unnecessarily sensitive and offended. They get triggered. They project things onto other people that aren’t true. And they’re more likely to justify it all because they’ve been hurt before. They’re anxious when there’s really no need to be. They’re irrationally jealous. To them, their actions are a defense mechanism so it “makes sense” that other’s are the problem.

And if you’re a friend to a broken person, and you care about them, you will do you best to empathize with where they are coming from. But if they’re unaware of their pattern, it will only enable their actions and reactions… and they might take you down with them.

Toxicity can show up disguised as “vulnerability.”

If this is the case for you… I need you to know that I’ve been there. And it takes a lot of conscious effort to sift through the pain in a real and healthy way. Before continuing, I’d recommend: Healing While You’re Hurting.

Growth is possible. If you stumbled on this blog post, it’s probably because you’ve noticed some toxic behaviors in your close relationships that need addressing. Wondering how to stop being toxic? Or do you think you might be dealing with a toxic person? You’re in the right place!

Toxicity often stems from bitterness. It’s can happen when people have left you angry, broken, or disappointed for a long time. It contributes to feelings of animosity, resentment, and apathy. 

Here are some key points everyone needs to know about toxic people.

1. Toxic is just another word for unhealthy.
2. You can have good intentions and still be toxic.
3. Toxic habits can come from how we were raised. 
4. Toxic behaviors can be a result of trauma, neglect, and offense.
5. Two people can be toxic in one relationship at the same time.
6. Finally, toxicity is contagious. (Hurt people really do hurt people.)

If an emotionally healthy and secure person tries to stick it out with someone whose not healed, chances are they might end up adopting toxic ways of thinking, feeling, and behaving, just to cope. This doesn’t always mean they become hostile or argumentative. But it can make a more secure person becoming abnormally sensitive, anxious, defensive, pessimistic, distant, etc.

SIGNS YOU ARE DEALING WITH A TOXIC PERSON:

1) You get anxious around them. 

Even if you’re not usually an anxious person, they make you nervous. When you’re around them, you get worried about “how to be” – even if only for a split second. 

2) The tone of the conversation can shift quickly. 

It’s like walking on thin ice. Things can be going well but conversations can quickly escalate out of nowhere.

3) You’re misunderstood.

When it comes to any form of communication, the other person takes things the wrong way, takes things out of context, misinterprets something you said, or jumps to conclusions about your intent.

They get defensive when there’s no need. You can address a group and they take it personal. They respond badly to a lighthearted joke. They shut down without you knowing why.

4) Your feelings aren’t considered.

When there is a conflict or a disagreement, your feelings aren’t really the topic of conversation. The focus is on the other person, and they communicate harshly or argumentatively without empathy or compassion toward you.

5) There are no compromises.

Only demands. To keep the peace, you have to agree with them and meet their expectation. There’s no dialogue that would inspire compromise or mutual understanding.

6) They are passive-aggressive. 

They make slight remarks, roll their eyes, bring up old issues, walk away in the middle of conversations, reply in short sentences, etc. They say they are not angry when they actually are.

7) They shut you out.

“The Door Slam,” which is when someone abruptly shuts you out… out of their life. Either that, or, they’ve threatened to.

8) Their other relationships aren’t doing so great.

This person might have a history of drama with other close relationships (with siblings, friends, significant others, co-workers, etc). It’s a sign that, at least in some ways, they are part of the problem. 

9) Most conflicts START because of something “you’ve” done wrong.

You’re to blame for almost everything. It matters very little, the context of the thing they say is your fault or your mistake. The important thing to note is that the pattern of conflict (the majority of the time) starts with an issue they have with you. 

10) They don’t apologize. 

Toxic people have a very (possibly genuinely) hard time, seeing what they’ve done wrong in a situation. In general, it takes a lot of humility to admit fault and say you are sorry. Toxic people probably won’t apologize very often though, because in their eyes they were justified.

11) There aren’t very many “good times.”

The bad times outweigh the good. Not because the quality of the good times is not “good enough,” but simply because there are more bad times than good times. This is a sign of an extreme case.

12) THERE’S A PATTERN.

If all other areas of their life run smoothly, but there’s only an issue with you, and the issue is somehow connected to something they went through in their past, that’s a sign of unhealed trauma the other person needs to work through.

SIGNS YOU ARE THE TOXIC PERSON:

1) You have a problem with people’s boundaries.

People see the need to set boundaries around how much time they spend with you, communication, boundaries based on their own needs, relationship boundaries, and physical boundaries. Sometimes boundary-setting is personal and sometimes it’s not. Normally, people set their own boundaries to maintain their own physical, mental, emotional well-being. Other times, people set boundaries to protect themselves. If I noticed someone feeling the need to set boundaries to protect themselves, as a friend, I might want to dive into that and see if anything I did caused them to feel the need to take the precaution and then ask if there’s anything I can to better.

However, in the general scope of things and within a reasonable context, a sign you might be toxic includes if you view healthy boundaries as some sort of an attack on you. In reality, healthy boundaries preserve relationships and relationship quality.

2) People have a hard time talking to you. 

It can be as simple as that. People have a hard time talking to you, specifically.

There’s also a case where a person has changed how they talk to you. They don’t say certain things. They choose to no longer talk to you about certain topics. There’s not as much “depth.” People have become uncomfortable and can’t talk to you about their life, things they’re going through, or how they’re feeling like they used to.

If they were typically very open with you and are now very quiet, it may be a sign that a toxic trait created some distance. 

3) People get stressed out, defensive, anxious, or hurt before, during, or after talking to you.

It’s not always the case where you are the cause of another persons’ emotional distress. Sometimes a persons emotions distress is a sign of their own lack of healing or self-awareness.

But if you are taking this moment to reflect on your contributions to the relationship: If before, during, or after conversations, people are regularly associating you with unpleasant emotions, it may be a sign that you are the toxic person – or that you didn’t handle something right – and you’ve given the person you’re interacting with PTSD from the last time they talked to you.

4) It’s not just a problem in one relationship – it’s a problem in several.

You may have noticed that many of your relationships or close friendships do not last. There is often a dramatic fallout. After some time, you may even learn to anticipate that those relationships will end.

If this is not the case, you may just notice that although relationships last, there is often discord, or animosity within them. You fight often. You fight regularly. Or you fight about the same things. Disagreements can escalate to a point where the argument is no longer reasonable or healthy. 

There is also a more subtle example of this where, although you are generally considered a healthy and balanced person – under certain conditions, or within the context of particular conversations, you are known to have toxic ways of emotionally processing, thinking, or communicating effectively when you have been “triggered.”

5) The drama is constant.

If peace is inconsistent and drama is almost predictable in the majority of your relationships, it may be a sign that you’re the problem. 

Normal, healthy, balanced, and productive relationships should be relatively peaceful. They should include a healthy amount of constructive criticism, feedback, and accountability. They should be relatively effortless and natural. Healthy, mutually beneficial relationships should not burn you out.

In the midst of conflict, there should be a steady respectful dialogue that promotes relational security. And simply: friendships, relationships, social engagements, should be fun.

6) You don’t forgive.

If you find that you are having a hard time forgiving for small things, that could be a sign that you are being toxic. If you find that you hold grudges, bring up old arguments, have a record of wrongs in your mind, and generally can’t “let go,” that might be a sign there is some work to do – not only for other people you come across but for yourself.

Unforgiveness likes to hide in unexpected places: in our hopes for another person, in our perceptions of ourselves in comparison, in our language, and in our emotions. We’re hoping someone will have what’s coming for them. We’re talking about them getting what they deserve. When they are happy and succeeding, we’re feeling offended or hurt all over again. It’s okay for the process of forgiveness to take some time when you’ve been hurt by another person. Just make sure you’re noticing where you need work.

But if you’re finding that you hold resentment, bitterness, and anger in most of your relationships, there may be some extra work that needs to be put into this domain.

7) You are trying to manipulate people or outcomes. 

Good intention, or lack of intention, doesn’t matter so much if you’re hurting people along the way. You know how people sometimes say: “that wasn’t my intention,” “I didn’t mean to do that to you.” That’s what I’m referring to.

Sometimes in our attempts to manage conflict, we don’t even realize we’ve taken advantage of someone else’s vulnerability. They’ve confided in us and now we’re using what we know against them.

We resort to language and behaviors that can take wrongly twist and take advantage. Your manipulation of others might be out of some protective instinct. They can come from a genuine interest in connecting or repairing.

Regardless, if you are trying to manipulate people or control situations or outcomes (even if it’s for everyone’s benefit), you are doing more harm than good. Even if you’re seeing how someone doing what you want, will serve you, I’d argue that’s a breeding ground for manipulation.

8) You blame other people for your own bad behavior.

You may find yourself saying; “you made me mad,” “this person deserved it because it was a rightful consequence of their actions,” or you may just shut them out and acted like they no longer exist.

Oftentimes this bad behavior is actually just bitterness and bitterness is like a scab covering a very tender place. It might be worth it to allow yourself to be sensitive and allow old wounds to heal, even while maintaining new and worthwhile boundaries. 

9) You are very critical of others.

This can be a tough one to spot. Sometimes the criticism is obvious because it is partnered with anger and hostility so we all know your criticism is not constructive for the other person. Other times, the criticism is not necessarily constructive and it’s not outwardly hostile either. It’s just frequent, unnecessary, and condescending. 

Another alternative way of being critical, is just in being picky about the way someone chooses to do something. It’s not your way of talking. It’s not your way of thinking. It’s not your way of behaving. This shouldn’t mean that everyone who is different deserves the condescension.

10) You believe you are always right.

People have a hard time getting you to see things from their perspective. And when you’re convinced, there’s very little that can get you to broaden your perspective.

Did your behavior towards someone make a third party feel awkward and uncomfortable? People may have commented on your behavior and noticed unhealthy interactions. People on the outside may have even attempted to get you to see things from a more open perspective.

If you believe that you are always right and always justified, you lose out on opportunities to reflect and grow as a person. In every case, all the time, there is always something you could have done better. 

What do you do when you’re sure you’re right? Do you talk it through? Do you ask questions? Do you offer support regardless of agreeing to disagree? Do you pray about it and ask God to show you if there’s something you’re missing? Do you wrestle through the uncomfortable feelings of considering that you could be wrong or not seeing the full picture?

11) People have told you.

I encourage you to ask for the feedback from the people closest to you. Ask your mentors. Ask your peers. Try asking the person you have an issue with. Ask trusted people to analyze a situation with you. If different people have told you a similar message, it’s not a coincidence and they love you enough to tell you you’re the problem.

12) You take everything personally.

I’m just going to be blunt and give you CLEAR SIGNS you are taking things personally when you shouldn’t be.

• You overthink or replay conversations in your mind and overanalyze for hidden meanings.
• You automatically assume that people have negative intentions.
• You get defensive very quickly.
• You compare yourself to others and feel like you’re being judged or criticized when you see other’s succeeding or doing things differently.
• You take instruction or constructive feedback like it is a personal attack.
• You are easily offended.
• Your mood changes based on others (how others act toward you) making you either feel validated or rejected – no in-between.

HOW TO STOP BEING TOXIC

Things You Can Do To Cut Out Toxic Behaviors

1) GIVE YOURSELF SOME SPACE

Taking a break from people allows you to reset, reflect, and consider the quality of your relationships. What are the thoughts and feelings driving those negative patterns? Taking this space helps you get to the root of your behaviors without making things worse while you work on yourself.

2) choose to say only positive things for a while.

Once you’ve had a chance to reflect, choose to focus on speaking positively. Our words often reflect our thoughts, so make a conscious effort to speak words that are true, helpful, inspiring, necessary, and kind (THINK). Guarding what you say helps protect the atmosphere around you, and it makes a big difference in reducing toxicity. Philippians 4:8 reminds us to focus on what is true, noble, reputable, authentic, compelling, gracious and beautiful; which is a great mindset to adopt.

One of the primary ways to stop being toxic is to simply guard your heart and your mind and make sure that the things you say are good, uplifting, encouraging, and graceful. When you are upset, give yourself some time to breathe. Try to protect a positive atmosphere around you.

One of the things I do if I find myself wrestling through a toxic pattern is take a “vow of silence.” If I’ve found that I’ve only been saying negative things, I work on just saying nothing. I work on managing my thoughts and I take the time to notice what’s going on emotionally.

3) Mind your business.

You can’t control others—only yourself. Focusing too much on someone else’s life (what they’re doing, what they’re thinking or feeling) can lead to neglecting your own. Learn to let go of the need for others to act how you want and trust that they are handling their own lives as best they can.

In any relationship, there are going to be occasions where the other person does not do things the way you would. They won’t make the same choices. They won’t do things the same way. That’s okay. Learn to let go a little bit.

Don’t get so invested in someone else’s life that you don’t invest in your own. Part of managing your own well-being also involves taking care of yourself.

4) Take care of yourself. 

No one can really take care of you the way that you can take care of yourself. No one is more attuned to how you’re doing than you. You need to make yourself a priority. Pay attention to what you want and what you need.

Burnout can fuel toxic behaviors, especially when you’re tired, hungry, or overwhelmed. Adding someone else’s problem’s to your plate can feel like a lot. Make yourself a priority by resting, eating well, and giving yourself quiet time. Self-care isn’t selfish; it’s essential.

5) Get to the root.

Start with your heart and then work on your character. Start by examining your thoughts and past experiences that have shaped how you respond to things. One of the best ways I would do this for myself when I had no one and no counsel, was through journaling.

Journaling can be a helpful way to process conflicts and actions. Keep asking yourself “why” until you reach the core issue. Things that seem complex often have a simple root when you dig deep enough.

6) Set boundaries of your own.

As you grow, be sure to set healthy boundaries. If you’re in a relationship with someone toxic, it’s okay to limit how much time you spend with them and what you discuss. Boundaries are necessary for preserving your peace, character, and integrity. This is a healthier more sustainable way to preserve yourself, your character, and your integrity. 

7) Ask more questions and listen more often.

When you’re actively learning, growth can be awkward, and it’s easy to fall back into old patterns. Before reacting, pause and ask questions like, “What was your intention?” or “Can you help me understand?” This helps you approach situations with a mindset focused on understanding rather than reacting. Focus more on creating solutions rather than identifying problems. Ask questions with the aim of understanding first and then being understood.

8) Be empathic, compassionate, and vulnerable.

There’s an overall pattern for people who are toxic. They harden their hearts. They neglect the emotions and experiences of others. There is a lack of care for others’ feelings. They shy away from opportunities to be vulnerable. They ignore chances to choose compassion.

Instead, have empathy. Put yourself in the other person’s shoes. Try to see things from their perspective, and allow yourself to be vulnerable—it builds connection and softens hard edges.

9) Search for common ground.

Part of conflict resolution is searching for common ground. Being able to respectfully disagree while remaining solution-oriented is crucial for any healthy relationship. Be solution-oriented, collaborative and flexible.

10) Apologize.

Even while you’re actively trying to do better, it’s possible you’ll make mistakes. Apologize. Make it part of your process. Choose growth even when it doesn’t come naturally. 

If you’re paying close enough attention, you’ll notice when you’ve made progress. Time will pass and you’ll look back and see that you’ve grown. 

If you’d like more information about how to stop being a toxic person, how to thrive in your relationships, and even how to be a better person. Check out this post: How To Be A Better Person and Unlock The Best Version of You!

11) Be humble enough to shed light on your own insecurity

I notice when I’m getting toxic? Wanna know how?

I start ruminating. I start getting paranoid. I start getting defensive. I start perceiving things as an attack, whether they are or aren’t.

Wanna know what I do when I see that?

Well, first I pray. Then I communicate that I’m the problem. Something like: “Hey, I’m noticing that I’ve been feeling more (fill in the blank). I think this situation triggered me and made me feel (fill in the blank). Just want you to know I’m working on this. It was wrong of me to (fill in the blank) and I’m going to do better next time. Please hold me accountable to that.”

12) Stop taking things personally

I say this in the most loving way possible. And it should be refreshing to hear!

It’s not all about you. Not every instruction is about you. Not every comment is about you. Let people be safe around you without having to go through the hoops of wording everything exactly right so that you receive it right. Shift your perspective. Assume the BEST of people. Be willing to be vulnerable. Be willing to be hurt, if that’s what it takes. You have to be tenderhearted to stop being toxic.

Remind yourself that other people’s actions and words usually reflect their own experiences. They have very little to do with you, the way you do things, or your inherent value. Practice empathy by considering what other’s are going through. Consider what others would like.

Avoid jumping to conclusions. Appreciate when people are direct with you so that you don’t have to guess “what they meant by that.” When you feel triggered, pause before you react and ask yourself if the situation you’re in is truly affecting you personally. Ask others if you’re unable to discern this for yourself.

Set healthy boundaries so that you don’t absorb others’ negativity (you have your own things to sort out). If you’re taking things personally it’s probably rooted in a deep sense of insecurity and lack of self-esteem. Remind yourself of your worth. Remind yourself of what you bring to the table. Practice growing in meekness and confidence – so that external comments and actions don’t default to defining how you see yourself.

13) Be willing to be corrected.

I’m grateful for the moments I felt God did this for me. He told me when to go on “time-out.” He told me when to apologize to people; when to apologize to Him. He told me when I did something wrong. And he did it perfectly. Correction from Him (in my opinion) is the best safest kind of correction to receive.

But we also need to be willing to accept correction from our friends who care to sharpen us. We need to be willing to accept correction from our authority figures. We need to value when people care to edify us so that our relationships can thrive. And I’d almost argue that if you’re unwilling to accept correction, when it is warranted and accurate, your heart is too hard and you are too blind to see.